3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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