Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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