there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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