am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
