I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
