I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
