I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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