my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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