I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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