I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
