My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
