I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
