we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize