I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
