Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
