It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
