I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
