She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
