What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
