i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
