i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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