Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
sarcasm needs its own font
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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