Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
