Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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