Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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