I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
