bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
