Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
