Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
