I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
