I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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