If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize