Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Randomize