I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
