I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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