I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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