We're like a lot better than the average bears
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
