as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
