Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
