i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
