She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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