I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
