My friends, they love my intelligence
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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