I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
