My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
