I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
