I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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