Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
