Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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