drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
