I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
