I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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