I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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